Rules of engagement

In this episode of Balancing the Christian Life, we talk about disagreeing with people we need to love. Welcome to Balancing the Christian Life. I'm Dr Kenny Embry. Join me as we discover how to be better Christians and people in the digital age. Yeah, it's been a minute, or at least that's what I was thinking.

My daughter, emma, married on March 9th. A couple weeks ago, I've been working several overload classes so I could afford the modest wedding she had. I gave her a budget and said when it ran out that's all Katie and I could have contributed, and I was amazed at her resourcefulness. It's a strange thing to watch the little girl you fought with constantly as she grew up reflect some of the very things you worked hard to teach her. I remember when she came home as a school kid with permission slips and impatiently told me dad, nobody reads those things, would you please just sign it? She had an attitude and her voice followed by an eye roll. However, I don't generally sign things. I don't understand. She was disgusted then, but as she figured out who she wanted to cater her wedding and what floor she wanted to use, I caught her going through the fine print. Okay, dad, you're right. I read this stuff now, and it's a good thing I do. This isn't an I told you so moment, but appreciating a little girl who has become an adult, who understands responsibility. That's cool.

Right now, emma and her husband, charlie, are living up in Gainesville, which is a couple hours north of where we live. A friend of mine, chris Emerson, was preaching a meeting at the church there and we had a handful of things. Emma wondered from our house as she starts making a home of her own. So it was a great excuse to see a friend and visit my newlywed daughter. After services my wife and I were talking to Charlie about his first weeks of married life. So have you guys fought yet? Well, he said he didn't need to say anymore. I recognized the look. Of course they fought. I remember the fights Katie and I had our first year of marriage. They were important fights because they helped us figure out the terrain of responsibilities and see how we should and could fight fair. But we still do fight. I know some of you are upset that I call these disagreements fights, but I do and I stand by it.

Here's one thing we're going through right now. Katie loves wearing quite possibly the ugliest shoe in the world Birkenstocks. She tells me they're comfortable, but for someone who loves to talk about cuteness and being on trend, I can't stand these sandals. They're overpriced, they look hideous and they're not worth the hype. Right now she's wearing the Birkenstocks Madrids. I hate these shoes and yet I know the model because I'm the one who bought them. I hate them, but I love my wife and this is what makes her happy. It doesn't hurt me and our relationship is stronger because I figured out that if I can only put her love of this hideous footwear above my hatred of it, we both end up happier. Look, that's a guy who's been married for about 20 years talking now, and these are lessons I've learned from failure, not success.

I've also got to admit I've been watching a bunch of fights lately. I've seen a lot of name calling. I've heard about documents and people who don't get along, and when I was younger, fights like this would make me mad. I'm older now and I've watched this pattern for a dozen guys, maybe more. In other words, this isn't new. So have you guys fought yet? Well, I guess we all know answers to that. Conflict is as old as Cain and Abel, probably older. So if we're going to fight, could we at least remember a few important rules of engagement.

First, corinthians 13.4-7 says Love is patient and kind, does not envy or boast, is not arrogant or rude, it does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Paul is talking about how to love to a bunch of knuckleheads and Corinth who couldn't seem to get along. Specifically, they were fighting about spiritual gifts in this part of Corinthians and Paul is telling them the most important spiritual gift is love. If you cannot say you love the person you're fighting, can I suggest you're the wrong person to go into the ring with for a few rounds?

We are told to love our neighbors, love our brothers, love our families and love our enemies. So be very careful about whom you choose to be impatient, envious, boastful, arrogant, rude or insistent with. As a husband who has done stupid things, I've been that guy who wanted to win, who believed the worst, who was thrilled to see my wife make a mistake. In other words, I was an idiot. I've been the same idiot at church, I've been the same idiot at work and, frankly, when I'm an idiot, I'm not representing God very well. So remember there's not a time when we get to suspend what Paul says about love. Second, when you criticize, don't hold back, but do be kind and gracious.

Ephesians 4 15 says speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in Every way into him, who is the head, into Christ. Ephesians is a dense letter. Paul has a lot to say to the Ephesians. He spent some time there, he knew them and as he gave his farewells and acts, where he meets with the Ephesian elders, he doesn't hold back. He loves them, but he knows some of these very guys will betray God and make things far worse. At the church they oversee His entire ministry.

Jesus loved the scribes and Pharisees and yet he never held back about their problems. Why not? Because if they were ever going to be better, they needed to know what had to be fixed. He was passionate, he was truthful, he was direct, but he wasn't arrogant, he wasn't resentful, he didn't rejoice when they were doing things wrong. Oh Jerusalem, jerusalem, you who kills the prophets and stones those sent to her. How often I longed to gather your children together. They were hypocrites and they desperately needed to see their hypocrisy.

Fights often change course when we go after tangents or related but different charges. I Remember a fight my wife and I were having, and my wife was just wrong about something. No, it wasn't about the truly important thing that sparked our disagreement. The fight turned out to be about how she was feeling taken for granted and I knew I had both said and given her a card where I showed Thankfulness and gratitude. I mean, I had the card. She was wrong, dead wrong. She was, and I knew it. I Could show her in black and white where she had factual error. She was tired and asked Can we just stop fighting about this, katie? I'm not fighting. I'm just trying to show you why I'm right. That's not my proudest moment. At a time my wife felt vulnerable where I could have helped her feel better and where I could have been more gracious. Even if there really were times I expressed gratitude and thankfulness, I was the idiot who was right, fighting instead of helping my wife. I wanted to win by winning. Well, she was losing.

I know there are times we need to show error to others. We need them to understand where they are truly mistaken. We need to expose error as being error, but when you have the opportunity to be gracious and kind, choose to be gracious and kind. I know there are others who may be led astray about error, but despite the fact that a polis was preaching the wrong baptism, quella Bercilla taught him better. Despite the fact that people on Mars Hill believed the lies of other gods, paul taught them better. Despite the fact that the woman at the well believed it didn't matter which mountain was used to worship God, jesus taught her better. In other words, when you have the opportunity to choose to speak the truth in love, please speak the truth in love.

Raising children I laugh now at some of the truly stupid things my kids expected my wife and I to believe. One of my children, who will go nameless, believed when you were in water. You were not wet. You were only wet when you emerged from the water. Well, that's about the silliest thing I've ever heard, but at the time that's what my child believed. My child was wrong. It became a family joke we still have today. But the child who misunderstood what it meant to be wet is still loved and that child understands that. Finally, jesus tells us why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye but do not notice the log that is in your own eye. Or how can you say to your brother let me take the speck out of your eye. And there is the log in your own eye, you hypocrite. First take the log out of your own eye and then you will see clearly. To take the speck out of your brother's eye, that hurts.

Hypocrite is a strong word. It's an ugly word and yet I know myself well enough to know I am one. I'm a hypocrite. I criticize others of things I have done and sometimes still do. I have criticized others of misunderstanding a passage that I have misunderstood in the past or misunderstand now. I have criticized others of being prideful and it was my pride speaking. I have criticized others of being ignorant, having the wrong motives, when I was probably just as ignorant and had similar, conflicting motives. I remember a letter written to me. I was in a disagreement with somebody else. The person was criticizing someone else with very specific allegations and charges, but the beginning phrase said something like I myself am full of faults, but here is where the other person isn't wrong but foolish. On one hand, that's an easy, generic admission to make. We are all of us centers, every single one, but understanding our specific fault is more helpful. Probably one of the greatest gifts my children and wife have given me is a mirror into who I am really. I have fought with my wife and children on many occasions and I have yet to be in a disagreement where I was not a party to the problem.

Alain de Beton wrote a book entitled the Art of Travel, and one of his lines just kicks me between the eyes every time. He says when we look at pictures of places we want to visit and imagine how happy we would be if only we were there, we are prone to forget one crucial thing that we will have to take ourselves along the journey. We won't just be in India, south Africa, australia, prague, peru in a direct, unmediated way. We'll be there with ourselves, still imprisoned in our own bodies and minds, with all the problems that entails. When I watch fights from my kids, it's easy for me to see what's really going on.

One child has something which makes the other one jealous. It's not fair, or they're fighting about who knows the right answer to a really important question. Like the president of Chile, one child just wants to feel smarter as being denied this by a sister. In other words, the fight has a context and often the issue isn't the facts but the people in the conflict. Some people like to fight. Some people like to be right. Some people don't want to feel foolish. Some people like to look for specs in other people's eyes while they've got a log in their own and I'm not saying that's dangerous, jesus is Look.

Some fights need to be fought. Some people are truly wrong. Perhaps the stakes are too high to simply let it go, but when you're fighting with your five-year-old about playing in the street, you need to win. Your child needs to understand he's wrong and why he's wrong and why you've got better judgment. Yes, that's true, but when you're in one of those fights, do you truly love who you're fighting? Are you being honest, kind and gracious, and are you taking a good look at yourself to make sure you're not a big part of the problem as well?

Looking back at my family, I didn't enjoy our squabbles, but I'm grateful for the results. All means one who struggles with God. I'm grateful we are able to fight with God, who consistently loves us, who is gracious to us and who helps us understand ourselves as we struggle with him. Thanks for the good thing I'm thinking about. Yeah, it's been a minute. I've recorded three interviews I plan to release in the next three weeks. Also been planning the next conference with Hal Hammons this time the conference will be at the beginning of August instead of the end of July had an unfortunate but unavoidable schedule conflict in the last couple of weeks. Next week I plan to release my conversation with Hal Hammons. He's a wonderful guy, a good friend. So until next time, let's be good and do good.